he made me stop in the middle of the blowjob to turn the tv towrds him. i then proceeded when he stopped me again to get him the remote. fuck me.
between no blow jobs for the rest of his life, or no cheese for the rest of his life, he chose no blowjobs. ive never felt so bad about my bj abilities before
"Does your mom know how big your cock is?" Worst dirty talk I've ever had.
We walked in and found his glass coffee table broken and you in the bathroom throwing up saying "What a bad first impression."
It's like that depressing moment when you drop your cocaine in the snow.
It's gonna be one of those someone is getting divorced parties
An don't say it's "personal preference" cause I don't buy it. I just want to have normal cool guy balls. I don't want to be the dude that's still rocking the equivalent of the "mid 90's bowl cut" of scrotum haircuts.
You sent me snap chats of you guys having sex. Like plural. It was like flip book porn, I'm traumatized.
Dude. The amount of love and appreciation from a house full of stoners when you come home at 4 am with donuts is overwhelming. The kind of love to make Jesus have to work a little harder at his unconditional love thing.
I'm pretty sure I just need an IV drip of Plan B at this point...
You know that voice that tells you to do something spontaneous after 1am? Don't listen to it.
Oh man I knew I took that Molly too soon, talkin to some Scottish people lol but don’t like rollin in pizza restaurants.
I feel like my entire body is ashamed of me today
You're a god amongst men today
There's a big ass bed, hella ecstasy, and I can guarantee you'll regret every second that you remember.
First aid class means get dry humped by moderately attractive college students during heimlich maneuver training.
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