I made out with a deaf person. Also I've been drunk 11 days in a row now.
I replied to the university automated mass text about the armed robbery at the on-campus Starbucks with a sad face. Basically sums up my night.
Just passed a Taco Bell Taco Supreme, still in its wrapper, laying in the grass. I'd like a moment of silence.
May it rest in peace.
I had his cock in my mouth and he still wouldn't shut up about Star Wars.
Apparently as I was doing the walk of shame home my dad's date was on her way to hers. hoes come in all ages these days
I found her in the trunk, smoking a cigarette, saying every girl should know how to get out of their trunk
i introduced myself to everyone by my new name, thundergooch. i threatened the neighbors with a hammer when they used my real name. needless to say, sailor jerry was not kind to me.
Don't use or open the microwave. It's full of smoke. Buying a new one tomorrow, will explain.
Then he rubbed shampoo all over my arm and shouted, "Garnier FUCK THIS."
I just KNEW this was gonna happen. NEVER say "all the free Jameson you can drink" around Tina.
I feel like I don't show you my boobs enough. And you deserve to see them like all the time
90% sure I just opened a snapchat of you in a fuzzy bathrobe next to your ceiling collapsing
You WHAT?!?!
Paid. A. Homeless. Guy. To. Throw. A. Drink. In. Her. Face.
I fucking love you.
We were trying to organize all the customers to hold a window pickle race. as of 10:37 pm last night we are no longer allowed in our McDonalds.
Hey I had a great night last night but I don't want to lie to you I'm only 19 and that wasn't my place its was my cousin he's gone for the summer and I was just house sitting and watching his cat I'm sorry
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