There was something that i liked about you, but you spent it
i just cleaned out my toilet because i knew that my head would be in it later
if my vagina gave out awards, he should be preparing acceptance speaches for the oscar, the heisman and the nobel peace prize.
I just fell for a fake 50 dollar bill in a urinal. Fuck pittsburgh
Idk yet. Trying to convince him to get a phoenix bird tattoo first
I feel like everytime I call him he's either fucking or getting into trouble. It's really disturbing that he presses the answer button and then proceeds to fuck her harder.
I must have drunkenly masturbated really loud last night, cause my roommate and his wife wont look at me
OMG IM A TIGER AND I LOVE ROARING
We could have casual sex if you want. But I can't offer a bromance to a woman.
dude, im taking a shit and i just realized it's his MOM in the shower not him...oh fuck
He plays D&D and his dick should be carved out of marble. I think I'm in love.
STOP PUTTING BUTTER ON MY FUCKING CAT
All my friends are going on vacations with their boyfriends while I’m over here in court trying to get a restraining order against my ex....
I just got free tacos, you would be so proud of me.
Clarification, I got free tacos without performing any sexual favors.
.......do you have the salami in bed? I'm trying to make a sandwich.
Randomize
