my "about me" section on Facebook should read "hell-bound alcoholic who wants to fuck a 40-year-old crackhead"
No need to clean the puke on the driveway. The squirrel is eating it up.
Rubbed one out while on hold to buy tickets to Disneyland. Feel simultaneously like a freak and strangely productive.
Dude I swear I heard "geet out!!!" when I went down on her. I shouldve listened.
Just found cake in my bra, debating if I should eat it
Nuts. Absolutely nuts. she just screamed in my face something about not knowing whats happening and then got tackled by a dude
I woke up this morning with a wristband and I thought I went to the hospital last night I actually went ice skating instead
Note to self, stop going out with self absorbed bisexuals
well I woke up with about $3 in odd change and a note that said "I'm borrowing your weed." So, no, it didn't go to well.
Shouting "one vagina to rule them all" was probably not the best way to meet our best mates fiance
IM WEARING A FLAG
So that's a no to the clothes then
FLAG
sidebar: i fucked your brother last night
His fucking flight got canceled because the president stopped at the airport he was flying out of... Fuckin Obama literally just cock blocked me
He's mad at me because I said I wouldn't date him if his dick was smaller. I fail to see the issue
I did a trust fall off the bar and then almost got into a knife fight over a push up competition. Just another Tuesday.
Randomize
