My grandmother just called to say she disowned me. Apparently I uploaded a video to Youtube of me dancing nude with a blow-up doll named Dorothy, last night. You are so fired from being damage control.
there is this woman at the counter who looks identical to linda ellerbee. and she's grinning. COME. INSIDE. NOW.
I think I've given more of my business cards to Chipotle trying to win free burritos than anyone else
tolerance is too high. going on a liquor strike. ghandi style.
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He practically bottle-fed me Jameson, like I was a baby chimpanzee on those nature specials.
First of all...stop making excuses. Second of all...Fuck the surgeon generals warning
After having to meet his mom half naked, running into the tree in front of her didn't seem so bad.
I'm fighting fire with fire. When my parents interrogate me about what I was doing last night, I tell them the truth. Every disgusting, awkward detail. I'm 23 now and they need to get used to it.
Her Grandmother felt me up AND paid for dinner. If she doesn't get her shit together I'm gonna be her Step Grandfather.
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Had a booty call cancel on me tonight. Said he hurt his back. So this is what single and 30-something is like. Suck.
i know you're upset so i should probs be supportive but i've got nothing in that department. your life suuuuucks
I need you to know that everytime my toddler does the downward facing dog in the nude I think about the night you and your dude fell in love.
After fooling around at the hotel til dawn, I managed to feed her with my free buffet passes. Tastes like sweet victory.
Well he wouldn't kiss me so I made out with a German girl, took a shot with my boss, and I think I sprained my ankle. It was a quiet Sunday for me.
I know it's just really hard to give up sex and cigs during a blizzard
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