he kept looking at my chin until i asked why, then he just said he was making sure his balls didnt leave a mark.
When I told her that her boyfriend was making out with another chick, all she said was "which one"
do you remember the combo for the lock to my pants?
I want to see boobs tonight. Like, real ones. Your ones.
I'm romantic.
I don't miss having sex with him. We had our finale fuck last week. He's all yours now.
i don't know if this is a cannibal joke or a sexual innuendo, and i think that's a beautiful description of our relationship.
Urgent. Do not ignore. What does this "=$" shit mean. Quality foreign dick is at stake here
Listen, dont tell me about your day or that your mom is in town. Don't ask me to drive you to the airport or proofread your paper. Text me when and only when you have a boner. Oh and take your pants off and leave your front door unlocked because I'm coming over.
I told my boss that I'm in a slutty stage of my life right now and the chef overheard and slipped me his number. I might get laid tonight
Holy shit, add "successfully got stoned secretly at a party where a cop was" to my list of accomplishments.
Nothing warms my heart more than the sight of a naked hockey player in my bed.
Dude so help me god I WILL weigh a penis one day
Nothing says "I'm sorry for shitting in your bed" like an Olive Garden gift card
I'm eating a block of cheese like its a sandwich in the tsa line
i think you might have coined the term "slightly awkward pyromania"
Randomize
