It's amazing how much jurassic park has contributed to my life recently
It was like my butthole was peeing. Felt comforting yet not fulfilling.
I just opened a bunch of old flavored condoms just to see what they tasted like.
mowing the lawn. still drunk. If my dad doesn't appreciate this I swear I'm dissowning everyone including him
Definitely just said "no homo" to our gay waiter at Cheesecake Factory...our service has steadily declined since.
A guy just washed his hands in the toilet. No joke
Made a vodka juice box out of a ziploc bag and a straw for when I drive. Doesn't count as an open beverage container anymore.
I can feel my moral fiber fraying.
Dude. Yeah. This is a game changer. I feel dirty and possibly pregnant and it hasn't happened yet.
I think cutting a patient out of a owl costume is a first for those guys. It's a good story at least.
I just had a mental image of us riding a tractor through hell with one of those big guns mounted on top of it shooting at everyone while the indiana jones music plays.
Sorry I punched you in the throat. You got in my way. You understand.
Hey bro are you still alive??? I'm sure you are wondering how you ended up laying on the floor at the foot of your bed and why there is a wheelchair by your door....
...hi
YOU SHOULD BE ASHAMED OF YOURSELF
Ok cool I was afraid you'd never speak to me again. I can work with this.
WHY are you masturbating to hockey fights?
Randomize
