I will also inform you that stairs change when you change a house. Those hurt.
i just had to use the keg as a stool to reach the margarita maker. i'm such a problem solver.
Apparently, I showed up wrapped in caution tape and immediately jumped on the stripper pole and started making very sexual gestures at the birthday girl. We lasted ten minutes.
apparently putting your t-shirt on your head with a bottle of captain and telling girls your the pirate king of tallahassee doesn't work
In other news, I apparently ate my retainers while rolling last night.
This tiny Canadian guy just tipped me $20, a piece of gum, and a joint. I wasn't working. He literally tipped me for talking to him.
Do you know what the cost code is for strip clubs? I'm filling out my company expense report right now
Are you coming to the bday night? i'll be doing a life-like reenactment of traveling through Bonnie's vaginal canal and taking my first breath of life. Don't think you'll want to miss it.
I can bring a slip n slide and curtains.
Your mother liked my album on facebook that's only filled with drunk pictures. I don't know what to feel about this
I have this terrible fear I might accidentally text a pic of my dick to my grandma
I thought i didnt really feel whatever i snorted last night until i just realized i think i asked this dude to punch me fight club style
Thanks for letting me pee on your bed and cry about nothing to you. You're a real friend
then he told me my boobs feel like "if you put mushroom soup in a baggie." I don't know how I'm supposed to feel about this.
can we not compare my dick to a children’s folk tale
She was screaming and crying about how she couldn't find her middle finger. Then, she threw her body on to the pavement. Thats the last time we buy a freshmen a handle.
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