i'm chasing tequila w mint flavored ice cream, phil's chasing it w cream cheese, bashar's chasing it w pickles...i think we all know who the winner is....
My fucking roommate unpluged my alarm; I pissed on his clean clothes.
She's legit crying about wanting more sex. Holy shit.
I asked for a dramatic "funeral" look for my makeup. They judged me.
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Sorry blacked out and lost my phone. Judging by the looks of my body I fought a cat and fell into a bush.
I spent the money she owed me on enough magnum condoms to make a blimp. Damn right I'm going to make the best of it.
The only flat surface we had was a cheez it box so we snorted the blow off of that. Rock bottom really isn't that bad.
Got high again and all I want to do is wave this flag around
I got a blow torch for Christmas. You are now permitted to be afraid.
Woman Posts Harassing DMs From Creep Online, Now He’s Upset Because People Told His Mom
Because bro, I don't want your dick being touched mid conversation.
I tried to find an emoji but none convey my excitement for receiving good sex soon
Why did I not realize how important my fridge was till I was drunk. It keeps all my food cold its like my own cold box
I just spent 30 minutes plucking my 2 month grown out pubes with tweezers so I’m hope your night is going better than mine
Turns out, the guy I'm casually fucking has a girlfriend who's cheating on him with my sister's boyfriends brother who I fucked last year. And my sex life has now come full circle.
He's got that kind of dick that just MAKES me cheat on my boyfriend. It deserves a trophy. Really you should give it ride sometime.
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