They totally botched my boob job. My tits look like they're are winking.
Would the plural word for douche be deese? "Look at these deese bags"?
Are you high?
Should I mail that cop his nightstick or just throw it away?
I was in the bathroom puking up mountains of tequila and when he came to help me, I held the door shut and kept yelling at him to let me be a lady.
Morning yack off the fire escape. Girl walking by was mortified. Gooooooooo Ducks!!
I want to be you.
One step ahead. Always. Roses are red, violets are blue... I'm gonna fuck you with a rake.
Just pretend you're riding a unicorn through space. Thats how I deal with the stirrup situation at the gyno office.
WHY IS FOOD SO DELICIOUS
BECAUSE SCIENCE
i woke up to you and that girl going out onto the balcony naked
oh sorry man.. we went outside because we DIDN'T want to wake you
I literally got so drunk last night, I texted myself "porpoises" and that was it. I have no recollection of this.
I'll be honest, I too would punch the 21 year old version of myself in the face, and then have rough sex with him.
The assignment was about the Industrial Revolution so I just screamed at them in a British accent all day. No, they didn't know I was hungover.
Just because your drunk doesn't mean you can stick your dick in the snow. Just a FYI
It probably doesn't matter because I'm drunk...but I'm sorry for getting you drunk, having you almost lose your place to live, all your friends, permanently lose your liver functions, throwing up on my floor, losing virginity...etc...mostly I'm sorry for making you watch: cabin in the woods.
This is going to be so stupid, but do you feel the calluses on my hands when I give you a handy?
Randomize
