My new years resolution is to be alive new years morning
I just found out I was conceived in a rehab facility... that's better than finding out your dad could be someone else right?
we managed to turn Dream Phone into a drinking game. don't hate.
Well today was Thanksgiving Anti-Miracle Daydrinkathon so I had to be drunk by 2pm
When you start quoting save the last dance you need to stop drinking
We interrupt your regularly scheduled Saturday morning programming with this important announcement: you are not the father. I repeat not the father. Congratulations and have a nice day.
Are some dicks heavier than others? Random question as I'm feeling mine.
Well, my eyeball is red and the rest of my eye is black. Oh the joys of drinking with u. PS- I laid in a pile of sawdust. it was ok at the time.
I currently need breakfast in bed, morning sex, and a bourbon and diet coke. Make this happen
It's okay I didn't send any nudes tonight so we are safe *inserts photo of a baseball umpire doing the safe signal*
Someone broke into my car last night. Didn't take anything, even left the beer in my backseat. They need to get their priorities straight, obviously.
I couldn't figure out what was more important, finishing the shot or putting out the fire on my leg.
Kids music just accidentally came on at this party. I didn't know how many stoners were here until they all sang along.
Dude, I danced with Abe Lincoln! How could last night have been any better???
you came home and ate 12 bananas. you really didnt think mom would know you were high?
Randomize
