You got in a fight last night?
Yeah! Some dude in the bathroom...he was standing there and I notice he's got the same shirt as me on so I'm like...dude you should have called me, we look like idiots...he didn't say anything...so i got pissed and hit him...completely decimated and my hand was all bloody and covered with glass afterward...weird dude, never saw him again that night or since.
Um...Did this guy happen to look almost exactly like you?
Everyone knows that the fastest route to a corporate advancement is to take a shot in the mouth
I just woke up to my FedEx of contacts I've been waiting for for about a week and my hungover ass went to the bathroom and used beer instead of contact solution.
just read twilight to her over the phone, while in the bathtub, candlelight...i'd love to say no homo but that was so gay.
Dont worry about the blood on the pillow. its from my face.
he was cradling you in his arms feeding you rum straight from the bottle and you kept sucking his fingers.
yea. Don't mess. He will heal me. But my blowjobs will be historical.
I've got mace and a condom. Ready to roll either way and keeping my pimp hand strong.
I think now I understand why people say my penis is pretty.
I'm going to take a nap so I don't feel like a stripper sneezed in my mouth tomorrow morning at work.
She's like a solid nine. Well maybe not a tomorrow morning nine, but she's a nine right now and trying to take me home.
I am still awake. And let me sing you the song of my people. Ahem. "I have a bottle of hydrocodone and you all can fuck off."
So besides your brother walking in on you shaving and singing "I'm gonna get asssss" how was your night
Still alive. Just brushed my teeth with fireball.
Tripping over coffee tables hurts shins but face is okay bc I landed on a sofa.
Randomize
