Texts From Last Night · Random Texts

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(508): View more from Massachusetts

she just fell off the couch. onto a bag of pretzels. her face resembled a cat that just swallowed a sock.

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(310): View more from California

Measuring your booze intake in glasses is like measuring Rosie O'Donnell's weight in ounces.

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(214): View more from Texas

probably shouldnt have written that paper while wasted, its starts with once upon a time

(972): View more from Texas

i tried to stop you but you kept shouting "two birds with one stone!"

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(630): View more from Illinois

Holy shit bill nye is being consulted as an expert on cnn and hes credited as the science guy. What the fuck is the world coming to?

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These 23 People Had Coworkers From Hell
Read it at the TFLN blog
(720): View more from Colorado

It makes me feel uncomfortable and unsafe when he licks my pants

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(501): View more from Arkansas

recycled a plan b box. kill a baby. save a tree.

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(804): View more from Virginia

he met me at the airport with a welcome home sign with a grilled cheese, PBR and a blow job on it. i missed america.

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(970): View more from Colorado

I would like to request a high five for getting laid while wearing crocs and a crab hat.

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(615): View more from Tennessee

It's true. There would need to be A LOT of data collection. Aka, dick-catching. I volunteer as tribute.

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