Check if I'm alive tomorrow. If not, tell my parents I died happy and that there's a gay cheerleader in the spare bedroom
i just cleaned out my toilet because i knew that my head would be in it later
better question... why wasnt i wearing a cape the previous 20 years of my life???
I mean we're not committed. He's my first choice, sort of like miller lite. When I'm at the bar I'm going to order one, but if they don't maybe I'll go for a bud or blue moon. I'm certainly not going to stop drinking
i signed up to donate 10 dollars a month to help the children that are being displaced in columbia because of the drug wars.. i felt obligated
Just saw an old lady vomit in a trash can at the airport. I instinctively called her a pussy. College has ruined us.
I don't know what's worse....that fact that my dog ate my vibrator or that he later puked it up on my bed
They woke me up at 6am and made me drink a bottle pf champagne yelling "champagne breakfast!"
It was kind of like a train wreck, except alcohol would have improved the situation greatly.
You can't find true love with Budweiser and a futon
What the fuck could you be doing in that room to make her yell "Beginners Luck!" over and over again?
AND I JUST GOT FUCKING DAUGHTER ZONED. NO. I'M DONE. I HATE BOYS. ASEXUALITY HERE I COME.
I just learned my tits were fire resistant. I should join the freakin circus
I just announced to Denny's that I'm not wearing a bra.
How do I word.. " hey, I need you to fuck me really hard and see if you or I can feel my birth control. No worries, this is just an experiment." In a nice way without them feeling used.
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