Dude I wish you were here. I'm innthe back seat and it looks like outer space and everything feels like rice. idk. wtf.
did that guy on the oscars really just tell me to text a dolphin?
just got super drunk mixing jägermeister with my lyme disease meds. even if my face goes paralyzed, at least i got smashed from it.
It's called penis withdraw. Or alcoholism. I get them confused these days.
He started telling people I was Stephen Hawking's son. When that didnt fly he switched to Tony Romo's cousin
$5 off purchases of eighths or more today only. Happy tax-free weekend. -Your consumer-minded pot dealer
I don't know where I am and I feel like a hippo shat in my mouth. This sofa is comfy though.
Most of the bar is playing trivia I'm playing destroy a relationship in twenty questions
you fail at everything in life besides blacking out
literally just tried sending to someone a video of me jerkin but my phone was connected to Apple TV and it literally just played on the tv in a full room and I'm actually about to shit myself
The number of mornings I actually have to say out loud to myself "you must put pants on and go to work" to get motivated is...troubling.
You were taking in your sleep. You were like Jess that's that animal we were talking about and you Hugged her feet
I just ordered a "football meatlong" from subway
"I licked someones beard, because I can."
He brought me another shot of rum, ice and my underwear when I woke up.
What a gentleman.
I KNOW, right?!
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