Just woke up. I have a "Detective Jacob Arnold's" business card in my pocket.
You go to school with some of the ugliest girls I've ever seen... How are you not getting laid?
He showed me a four inch blond hair that grows out of his side. He calls it his little ray of sunshine. Please come get me.
I woke up naked in my own vomit. Not even in my bed. No one is happy.
She was so wet my fingers were literally pruney when I got done with her
Her vagina turned into a vuvuzela. I didn't know it was a possible to have a wet nightmare.
he was holding the bottle like a running back yelling for security and the national guard as he was being tackled
I really just want to stuff him in my purse, take him home, feed him pudding or applesauce and brush his hair. That's not creepy, right?
He told me he wanted a penis beard so that he could look at girls faces when they gave him blowjobs. i have to say, i kind of admire his creativity
There is nothing wrong with me introducing you as elephant dick. Nothing.
Someone left a middle school yearbook here. I recognized one kid from banging his mom last year.
Dude, you spit in your shirt pocket saying "I'm saving it for later" then dove head first into the pyramid of beer cans we set up.
I should probably just LinkedIn request everyone I've ever slept with so they stop popping up on my suggested connections list
I'm stuck on a cliff. I'm not sure how I got here or how to get down. Please send help. And clothes.
All time low: no dry towels so I'm using the sex towel to dry off
Randomize
