I figured girls wouldn't be down to sleep w/ a guy who plugged a pregnant chick
Just chased the kids into the backyard with kitchen knives. Best. Babysitters. Ever.
I just got invited to go home with a married couple...
you didnt have any toilet paper so I just took a shower
Restaurants Roasting People Who Gave Them Negative Yelp Reviews (25 Pics)
Don't bite the hand that gives you multiple orgasms
You had me at "you have a nicer rack then her"
I am not saying a eulogy for your vibrator.
I could seriously attempt to try and saw my head in half with a butter knife cause im pretty sure it could not hurt any more than it already does
I've made my dad a martini every night since I was 13.. I got this
Woman Posts Harassing DMs From Creep Online, Now He’s Upset Because People Told His Mom
He made me cum 4 times, we high fived afterwards and then I proceeded to tell him about this guy I'm dating whilst I made him a bacon sandwich. I think we've finally mastered being friends with benefits.
We're following a guy carrying a door for beer pong at his place..join us when you are deemed sober enough to leave the hospital.
You left a bit of molly on the table and my mom found it. She asked what it was, I said "not drugs"
She believed me because "leaving that much behind on the table would be a waste so obviously it's not drugs."
I came over to get dick...not to watch you vacuum....at 2 AM
I was too hungover to sit up and pull the curtains closed so I did it with my toes
I am drunk shake weighting right now.
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