New record: 45 minutes. Afterwards I played We Are The Champions while we cuddled.
today he pulled me aside to show me a lawn mower that he drew above his pubes. I saw his pubes in all their glory. Right there. In spanish class. Hola.
I feel like a great embryo-shaped weight has been lifted off my shoulders.
I don't know but the stairs are covered in apples
I am 100% planning on being drunk on Wednesday. This is America. Work or no work.
I invited you and you fucked me in the face with the penis of disappointment and shit.
Overslept. So hungover. Apparently texting the first person in my contact list the time I would like to wake up is not how the alarm clock in my phone actually works.
I have bite marks all over my ass. Is that an acceptable excuse for missing class?
She had a belly button piercing in the shape of a cross. Talk about mixed messages.
No one likes wet exercise unless it's vigorous sex in the shower
He didn't get how "starting a flash flood in my thunderhole" was a sexy euphemism. Deal breaker.
Bro. I traded my coat. I have a Raiders coat now.
You poured a bottle of water into the salad bowl and said "bowls are a joke" and then poured it into your lap.
I love millennial parents. One of the moms at the daycare center literally told me she and her husband named two of her kids after batman characters and one after game of thrones
As you were falling you yelled out, "save my burrito!" Priorities
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