Come see our sink grown plant.
You kept saying thank you to the automatic toilet as it flushed your puke.
Im going to buy a thermometer. If its above 104 im going to the hospital if its under 104 im going to the bar
I whipped my shit out and she just stared at it with a mean face. It was like a face off in a heavyweight boxing fight.
I'm treating this like a real date. My boobs aren't even out.
I'm so proud, I have tears
Seriously. I'm like, "Wait, we are actually talking about physics in the middle of sex and its ACTUALLY erotic because you're so fucking intelligent I'm turned on?"
Apparently she almost had an affair at Outback Steakhouse, details to follow when I get home but the apple really doesn't fall far from the tree
I don't know. I'm drunk and dressed as a pirate but ill do the math tomorrow morning.
So stoned that I pressed the unlock button on my car keys to walk into my bedroom...
Are you saying I'm your favorite hot mess?
I'm actually my favorite my hot mess, but you're a close second.
And you will die and be carried in a backpack before I allow you not to comply in this tomfoolery.
It was like sex on an active volcano surrounded by the night sky and bloodhounds. And by that I mean it was nice.
He was referring to me as "Teenage Dream" the whole night
Until you've snorted cocaine at 6am before your nursing school clinicals birthing babies you're not on my level
You better have a raging boner when I get to your house and it better be worth missing work in the morning.
Randomize
