My clean wipe streak was ended today by two enchiladas and a can of refried beans. dammit i should have been more cautious. thanks for all ur encouragement and support.
my drunk uncle just explained that turkeys are not gentle lovers... and no context doesn't make it better.
the cop asked for your social security number and you gave her your high school locker combo
i really wish james franco would like my vagina
Yes, she gives me platonic blowjobs as part of our friendship.
Let me just say....i'm sorry about setting your carpet on fire. I had no idea that the paper towel would burn that quickly.
TAKE ALL THE MAERHMALLOWS AND PUT THEM ALL IN THE MAGICAL NIGHTSTAND
Hahahaaa There's this one girl crying hysterically and wrapped around (i believe) her ex's leg. He's trying to shake her off without spilling his beer. This is fucking priceless.
we somehow managed to fit a llama, a stripper pole and a hayride all into the same day.
Yeah! I was just fired because there was an over hire and the new girl is hotter than me. Seeing as how the new girl is my baby sister I think punching my manager is excusable.
I threw up in the kitchen on the floor and a guy tried cleaning it up with a spoon at a party.
Then he texted me that I was the "good kind" of fat.
You licked my eyeball, you are officially cut off. If you just missed you can have a second chance on Friday.
CUTE BOY IN THE OFFICE WALKED BY AS I WAS STARING IN HORROR AT HARRY POTTER THEMED SKELETON PORN
Um so I might have accidentally on accident maybe blew up the bottom half of your truck...
Randomize
