Are you drinking alone?
no, i'm watching house
That doesn't count.
wtf, then i'm always alone
I'm pretty sure "Like A Prayer" will forever remind me of drunk nights & pants down around the ankles
idk how it happened. she made a very smooth transition from crying to blowing me
For some reason there are two like 10 year old black girls crumping at the bar. I feel like I'm in a missy elliot video.
The penis is a tricky weapon to use. When using it as leverage you have to make it seem emotional. I'd rather use it as a club sometimes.
In order to see him, he made me facetime with his penis, which he had drawn a smile face on. Getting laid shouldn't be this difficult.
I must be the strongest person who ever managed to get knocked down by a pug.
When a best friend shows up on a tricycle with a case a beer and goes "get on loser" you get on, because there is a magical adventure afoot
I'm doing an Uber ride of shame in a red, white and blue bikini top and America shorts. Good for me.
Hey I'm coming to get my gin do you want a good luck blowjob for your exam tmrw
Where are you? Where am I? Why am I so red?
I'm hiding in my office refusing to turn the light on holding puke down stealing and shoveling down the meeting snacks and regretting my poor life choices. goldfish crackers are like crack to me right now. how is your day?
Like if I exploded right now there would be cum and fajitas everywhere.
The kid with the ed hardy shirt put a bunch of random shit in the washer and turned it on. example: a hanger, the movie Chocolate with Johnny Depp, and your mom's cat
21st birthday weekend in Vegas has concluded and all I'm missing is my underwear and 'Contacts' icon on my phone home screen.
Randomize
