I hope you never procreate. Philly is already the ugliest city in the country.
Have you been tested recently?
Well I got my shots when I was a baby so I think I'm immune
apparently i told her i wouldn't press charges if she brought me food.
Remind me again why sleeping with a coworker and his wife would be a terrible idea.
Definitely need to find a less healthy bootycalls. All this bitch got in her fridge is feta, English muffins and wheat grass. What the fuck can I make with that???
Found 2 Coors, problem solved.
Why were you staring at her like that over breakfast?
Because I was eating with a spoon to remind her that she threw up on my hand while she was MAKING me spoon with her after our drunk sex. She got it. Don't worry.
I'll be there soon. I expect Advil and a bucket of kittens when I arrive.
Just watched two people have sex in the pool. Hope you enjoy your yeast infection courtesy of the comfort inn.
I JUST LIKE FLANNEL, NOT VAGINAS! OK?
Dude I was walking down the street and threw up in a plastic cvs bag. Tequila wins again.
If I send you a picture of a dick will you give me your honest reaction?
He may be 6' 6" but I'm 180 lbs of pure rage and determination
...and now I welcome the sweet embrace of death.
i told them you weren't like that.. and they laughed at me?
I'm actually on the verge of cancelling a booty call because I have an early meeting tomorrow. If this is what adulthood is going to be like, I'll pass.
Randomize
