My sheets look like a crime scene.
i found a dude playing guitar on the portapotty
I went to moterboat her and I started laughing, so I just kinda blew on them... I think I'm gona call that move the sailboat.
I'm too hungover for some lady to talk to me about potatoes
How would you go about getting a hold of the country star that you slept with and are now potentially pregnant with their baby...?
myspace Music?
You know its bad when convincing your mother you were masturbating is the better alternative
She used the introduce me to her roommates so she could find out my name trick the next morning..I may be in love.
In between when I last wrote and now have screwed a Swiss guy on a hostel bathroom floor. Okay, real life?
She pulled a wad of lint out of my bellybutton while she was blowing me. Said she's never seen anything like it. I've never gone soft so fast.
In the midst of you puking your guts out, you stopped, looked at the globe in front of you and whispered "America.."
I found your knife. It was stuck in my bedroom ceiling.
SO AWKS THEY ARE HAVING A COUPLE FIGHT AND I JUST WANT PIZZA
I am so not sober enough to have a 5 minute conversation in Spanish
My apartment looks like the apocalypse of sobriety.
He’s actually a personal trainer. He said he hasn’t taught yoga in a while but the stripper prefers to introduce him as a yoga teacher
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