i tried to light my apt on fire. reasons why drunks and women should not cook
why would she put his p in her m after it was in her a? that's gross
its gross she let him put his p in her a nevermind his p in her m after p in her v. cleaning up is necessary
i put my m on your v after my p was in your v. no big deal
I love how all the girls on the plan b commercial wake up alone.. Like me
Pretty sure I just slept with Elmo.
I've thrown up so many times in the third floor bathroom of Baldwin that they should probably just go ahead and name it after me.
Yeah I should probably start planning our first conversation instead of our first child.
OH. MY. GOD. FUCK HIM. JUST GRAB HIM AND FUCK HIM.
Oh god. I finally realized why the coked out Stevie wonder was explaining the concept of movember to the McDonalds clerk. Drunk me didn't process that another month comes after Halloween... It's apparently November.
I can wear a rubber suit at three am and spank someone's ass until its sore and fuck them three ways from Sunday. And get up the next day and do their laundry. As long as once in awhile they rub my back without expecting anything
Just realized i left my bra at his house. WHY do i suck at one night stands?!
When she asked why I felt bad I said that it may have had something to do with the gin and cold pizza I had for breakfast.... And then I reflected on what my life has become.
Don't be alarmed when we finally get naked and I let out a WOOHOO!!!
One day no one will want to send me dick pics so by all means keep 'em coming
I'm sorry, but the bed has won this battle. I got up, changed my shirt, combed my hair, put on some deodorant, and then looked at my bed and got back in
i just remember singing the theme song from 2 and 1/2 men to my hair
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