ya dads aren't the best wingmen
Her sister's ass was worth my getting thrown out of the house.
She looked like her face caught fire, and someone put it out with a screwdriver.
Think about all of the events that have led to this: me sitting in the back of my classroom drinking beer out of a taco bell cup, telling the teacher I have to leave early to go to an AA meeting.
the cops who came hadnt heard yet. when we told them they sang the star spangled banner with us
Hate the very realistic pregnancy dreams. Like my dream when I birthed the pirate ships. SO REAL...
I have surprise drugs for everyone
I'm skyping with my parents and reading Cosmo articles on giving great head. I'm on a roller coaster that only goes up, baby.
St Patricks day needs to be raged like youve never raged before. Like youre in the desert and it starts raining beer. Like it's the day the announced the 21st amendment (which is the one that ended prohibition)
I don't like him near enough to give up day drinking AND my prostitute costume
Jesus, I just want to drink. Also simultaneously punch things and rub my vagina on them.
You know what a wolf looks like when it kills a small animal? How it shakes it around in it's mouth? I did that to a bag of Taco Bell last night
It's amazing how hard it it while drunk to not comment "fuck you" on dumb peoples' statuses
The dick lei will go down in squad history
Hope you are okay. You were running down the street with shopping cart at one point and yelling "bitches aint shit!"
Randomize
