The funny thing is... I'm about to go to the store to buy WD-40 and condoms... That's it.
And before you ask they are unrelated purchases.
so they made cookies with their faces printed on them...I ate jaime...she tasted like poop
I need to stop having one night stands with guys in my building so I can have someone to borrow milk from without it being awkward
do you think a sharp knife would stab through a cheese suit?
I can't decide if the sex was so good I couldn't move, or if it was me being loaded on all the morphine that they shot me up with at the ER.
Also, I guess I made friends with the guy who caught me peeing behind a bush.
He also turned out to be underage (the fucking liar) so we had to get drunk on cooking sherry
I look like shit btw. Like the joker from Batman.
I'm not sure how that's possible unless you put on face paint. Which I would respect.
Aaaaand now he just flexed his muscles at me and said "I'm a fucking eagle!"
Awareness is good for change and all, but ignorance is bliss. I like bliss.
I know it's like I wanna bring somebody fun who I haven't drunkenly expressed my feelings for. Or hooked up with. It's a struggle.
Your dog took my vibrator out to the yard
Because cocaine and lesbian hookups on a Tuesday cannot be the new normal
He took home that trashy slut from Bama but a NFL Lineman was just in my DMs so... who’s the real winner here
on a campus of 30,000 people, i should not be able to see every single guy I've ever hooked up with at one party.
Randomize
