An ex-gang member just asked me out on a date via note. And spelled dinner wrong. Win?
it feels like theres a golf ball between my legs. the sex was totally worth it tho.
so i am drinking whiskey and watching home alone 2 by myself. it turns out moving to a foreign country isn't all that different after all.
my dad just referred to me and my boobs as 'the three of you'
yeah, i'm not. but i'm ready for free bjs. it's just hard to find women who will give me a beej while i'm sobbing uncontrollably
Happy 420. I woke up to a girl smoking weed and dragging me out of bed. Chemistry makes so much sense high.
I mean. I'm excited for the Seahawks too. I just love nachos.
Your roommates will be treating you to many anecdotes about my intentions to have aggressive sex with you. I'm sorry in advance.
Hey, how are you?
No. You're dead to me, you hamster stealing slutbag.
Im pretty sure breakfast wine is a thing, and if it isn't, I just invented it
My Easter dress smells like alcohol, men, and bad decisions
I continue to impress myself. Also I'm probably pregnant
I was trying to decide if i was still high whenever i realized i was pressing the buttons on the microwave cause i liked the sound.
Im too stoned for my mom to be picking up hitch hikers. Help.
Setting myself up for trouble? Yes. But getting laid is a lot more important at this time.
Randomize
