i'm dressed up like the coppertone baby and being hit on a guy in a monk costume. the irony is not lost on me.
You were rubbing your foot on one of your legs and kept saying, "My sock feels like a waterslide!"
So many lesbians keep hitting on me. I'm about to give up and just go home with the manliest one.
A zombie called me motorboat central while participating in an auction to motorboat my tits. he then proceeded to propose, insisting that he makes alot money.
my heaven will be filled with hot naked men covered in chick-fil-a sauce and me wearing a bib
Update- I sold my hat to some drunk kid for 50 bucks. I used my earnings to buy beer on the way home. I realize to everyone else seeing me drinking on my balcony at 6am, I look like an alcoholic, but I'm thinking of it as a night cap
threw up on my 7.30 AM placement test. Never again
How the hell do you leave a party with a kitten? It's missing and everyone knows it was you.
Not sorry that my walk of shame this morning was barefoot on my scooter.
He was like Sweeney Todd... But, without the killing people part.
So... He's a barber?
No. He's got crazy hair, and a revenge fetish. But he's hot. Does that make up for it?
In the middle of our bar crawl last night we stopped to pet dogs at a dog park. who would let a drunk person bet play with their dog???
I take pride in being a married 31 year old who sleeps on her best friend's bathroom floor from time to time.
he answered his phone during sex and left to go help that drama queen with her latest bullshit. I'm drinking all his vodka. it's asshole tax
I just want to get drunk and not have to worry about you leaving me at the bar.
He threatened my life and my car because I called you. Are you sure you never slept with him ?
Randomize
