there's paper in my vomit.
I totally just used John Mayer's lyrics to get laid.
I just pulled a feather out of my vagina.
I am not joking.
my credit card is covered in vodka and bad memories
he squeezed my boobs like he didn't know what else to do with them, then turned down head...
told you he was gay.
Bad idea. College students cannot afford both alcohol and a cat. Unless said cat is irish, and can feed itself with fifths of whisky.
if the best thing you can say about him is "he probably wont kill me" you may want to rethink hanging out with him
Don't try to dry clothes in the microwave. They'll catch on fire.
I just had a flashback of 4:30am: me hugging the toilet bowl and you handing me a jar of pickles to open. There is something seriously wrong with us.
We fucked to showtunes. Never going out with a theatre major ever again.
She stopped laughing and kind of stared at the wall for a while. Then she did 3 somersaults and said she saw jesus. This weed is fucking fantastic.
I opened my bookbag to put my laptop in and I found two granola bars and a pregnancy test. I am clearly prepared for life
If you think I'm going to drive 5.5 hours just to bang a guy, you'd be absolutely right.
I am now gainfully employed. Parents, lock up your children.
Yay! Welcome to the world of "you're seriously trusting me with your kid?"
I dropped my slice of pineapple on the kitchen floor and was just staring at it about to cry. It was really good pineapple.
Randomize
