I bought a boat. Want to have sex on The Angry Clam? That's what I named it.
just wanted to thank u for shitting in my dads bidet last night. i had to manually scoop ur shit out of it. btw ur dumped.
So i got in my car, the seats are leaned back, and soft soul music is playing. Wtf happened last night.
I am three bowls, two beers, and a muscle relaxer into babysitting. What are you doing.
Totally just sport flirted the shit out of a girl on a wheelchair. I've done my good deed for the day.
Somewhere in the night I send my Dad a text stating "YOU failed as a parent"
I still think the kiddie pool full of jello option is worth exploring. Just sayin'.
I always ask when they're due. It's the nicest way for me to let her know the rest of the world can tell she's putting on weight too
Found a popcorn kernel in my pubes... Time fir a Brazilian
There should be a promo code on the Papa Johns website for "I have no moneys but if you send a cute delivery guy I will pay him in blow jobs."
CALL 911 HAND IS STUCK IN THE GARBAGE DISPOSAL. HELP
Do we still have any pizza left from last night?
Also, if he asks how he's doing orally I can probably ask if we're exchanging Christmas presents?
I need five more minutes of sobbing.. AND THEN I will get back to studying
I just had a flashback to us shaking up Gatorade mix and then inhaling it in your kitchen because it was funny. Now I can't stop laughing in work because that is the stupidest shit.
For full disclosure: I told my roommates last night that you have a very clean asshole.
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