i miss you so much
i miss you too
oops, did i send that to you? i meant to send it to the money you owe me
Tell her she's as useless as a condom.
Segways are the fanny packs of transportation. Useful in some situations, but you always look like a tool when using one.
WAKE UP. GET ME THE PILL. AND SAVE MY LIFE
haha you were so trashed that you deleted all of your christian music from itunes and kept saying"c-ya God, nice knowin ya"
you hid your keys in a box of lucky charms because drunk you was apparently going to eat them for breakfast...
I feel the need to clarify that I did not show her my vagina.
The entire defensive line took care if me when I passed out. One of them even held my hair when I puked and the other carried me upstairs to bed. God I love football so much more now
You lured him into the bathroom with a trail of jello shots, then proceeded to barricade the door with duct tape. You really should have thought that one through..
hey this is Madison. you gave me your number last night and asked me to remind you that you didn't fuck anyone. you okay?
Remember that time you bought snap bracelets on Amazon and they sent you 300 pregnancy tests instead? Amazon knows.
I wanna send them a card but I don't think hallmark makes a "sorry your fiance and another girl blew me at the same time in a frat house but congrats!" card
Not only did she fulfill a life long dream of mine of banging in a library, she bought me subway for lunch. I feel like I got the best gold star ever today.
I can't remember what I did last night, but judging from the state of my hair I had a pretty good time.
I texted him: “Come over for the Super Bowl. I promise lots of scoring.”
My divorce is turning into a porn script
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