just by requesting 'I think we're alone now', not only did you achieve emptying the bar, but you also rubbed it in the owners face.
you went to subway and got pissed when they refused to deep fry your sub
and I was crying with the towel lady in the bathroom of the bar about the tragedy in Haiti. Then we hugged before I left and I gave her 10 dollars.
She threw all the patio furniture in the pool saying she was building a castle.
Lesson learned. Whipped cream will eat through a condom.
Why are you always at the walk in clinic, Lady Chlamydia?
You're not allowed to make that my permanent nickname.
Well for starters the people who just made my burger at the grab and go just told me to "hang in there"
My liver and I thought we knew what we signed up for. We were wrong.
I drew a giraffe.. But she did say that bumped that test up from a 39 to a 40. It's the little things.
You get home okay?
I'm pantless and in bed
That doesn't mean you're at home.
Apparently I send drunk snapchats a lot and they always have random dudes in them. Like one night it was just me and some guy I don't know sitting on my couch.
he answered his phone during sex and left to go help that drama queen with her latest bullshit. I'm drinking all his vodka. it's asshole tax
A German guy asked me to take a bath with him. I can't tell if he's just an eccentric European or a run of the mill creep.
What? I'll do just about anything if you give me a sticker.
someone found a bottle of whiskey in the bushes this morning when they were cleaning before an admissions event. i'm 95% sure it's mine..
Randomize
