I woke up on a raft in a bath tub filled with beer. excellent night.
He is drunk texting me begging me not to tell my mom. Pretty sure he is about to offer me sexual favors for keeping my mouth shut. I love being the boss's daughter.
I think i accidentally made vodka pancakes
I still cannot believe I yelled at every guy at the bar "you wanna get in this clam?!"
reaaaally cool. my cat ate my birth control.
When else am I ever going to have a chance to do lines with T-Pain?
you are not perverted enough for this relationship to work out.
at what point last night did we decide it was okay to let me hitch hike to another bar?
Just found my bra in a bag of chips on the kayak floating about the pond. Sure sign of a good night
My liver is crying. And I feel like I got fingered by Edward Scissorhands. While he was wearing brass knuckles
I don't really feel bad about it, but I legit just squirted in the back of an Uber and it makes me think how many times has this happened before?!?!
If you're gonna show up unannounced on hangover day, you better have coffee doughnuts and a boner
Based on the conversation I'm going to assume you didn't close the deal.
It started going awry when I fell through a roof.
I was giving this fat lawyer a table dance and he asked me if I would be willing to play with his long, hard stick of the law. And you want me to stop drinking at work?
I flushed a potato down the toilet so now we have to live in a hotel.
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