3:38a: you guys up to anything right now?
the hot woman interviewing me is reading jokes off the back of laffy taffy.... I'm getting laid and possibly a job
and now her best friend is massaging my table under the leg. this may not end well.
Clusterfucked is a frowned upon word in work related emails
Not sure if it is a new high or new low, but i left a basket on the porch of the sorority I woke up at. It had a description of the Minnie Mouse I woke up next to, and Plan B.
I think I sprained my soul last night
I'm sorry but that single bed couldn't hold all five of us, especially with those boobs.
My stomach literally has no contents left. Tequila cleanse=success.
what's the appropriate greeting for someone whose bed you've had sex with someone else in?
IT WAS SO BIG. I FORGOT GOD MADE THEM LIKE THIS.
There is nothing worse than the batteries of your vibrator dying on valentines day
I threw up through my nose tonight. Happy cinco de mayo
You just kinda wondered into the street and started screaming at dogs and small children...
there must be tiny pirates in the freezer stealing our rum.
I hate waking up to a room that reeks of bad decisions...
Randomize
