T-minus about 54 seconds until I am too high to speak English.
I'm jealous
My throat feels like a candle.
fuck your aforementioned shoe
Is it bad that now when i read ingredients in the food I eat i only read it as shrooms instead of mushrooms ?
This is a mass text. Surprise drug testing at work today. Either I've finally got to fuck my boss or I've got to quit to make this all go away. Please respond with option a or b.
Her stripper name is Geico. I'm not drunk or creative enough to make this up.
Why does every bad decision I make wind up having 1000 likes on YouTube?
Oh god iv'e slept with this police officer before oh god oh god
if i bang your brother are we still cool?
I think I accidentally agreed to be someone's surrogate
just when his roommates walked in, we were naked in the kitchen. proceeded to awkwardly pretzel walk back into his room to cover each other (not that they haven't seen me naked plenty of times) and continue to have glorious morning sex. his roomates love me.
Your the only person to come back from spring break with a non std related infection
Adding to the list of things I have said out loud at the bar that I shouldn't have: "I am the yoda of sucking dick"
I wish more of my problems were easily solvable by taking a good long shit.
DUDE!!!!! THERE IS A MIDGET HANDING OUT RICE KRISPIE TREATS!!!!!! WHERE ARE YOU WHEN THE COOL SHIT GOES DOWN???????
wait he has a twin??? which one did you fuck
yes
Randomize
