Dude, this old lady messaged me on Facebook talking about her grandson and wanted to know shit about me. I'd almost call her a cougar except she looks like mashed potatoes that have come alive.
i woke up on my kitchen floor, halfway through a text, and my mascara running... this is why i stopped drinking tequila
I'm hiding behind a bush in mens clothing next to a ducks crossing sign. There are joggers. Please hurry.
Her brother is deaf.
no wonder she was so good with her hands
so i may have indirectly taught my 13 year old campers how to give blowjobs.
You know, it doesn't really count as a walk of shame if you guys showered together the next morning
Why the fuck is the royal wedding at 4am. That is obviously not the most appropriate time to drink during finals. It's like I'm bound to fail, by royal decree.
I have your shoes, your bike, and someones blue underwear. Round 2 tonight?
i think i traded my wallet for a tim hortons gift card.
Well good for him for getting your number before he told you he had no money and needed you to pay for his drink!
Reason # 294827284949272 i could never be a cop. I would just shoot. All the time. Ppl. Animals. Inanimate objects. Air.
Smoking a bowl in nothing but a flamingo thong.
I had my first "Damn Kids/When I Was That Age" rant at work today. We need to drink this feeling out of me. NOW.
i bet he makes cat noises to excite himself.
wait you like me?? for my personality??
I know I was surprised too
Randomize
