Will you blow on my dice?
I just saw a girl walk by me wearing a "kiss me I'm pro choice" shirt. Is that a signal for easy access?
I may be in pain from falling off the roof but getting to the morning roof keg was well worth it.
I don't know how, but he made a bong out of a hamster wheel. To say I am impressed is an understatement.
Next time I see you, remind me to tell you how I fell through my attic door and landed on my feet in the garage on the first floor.
Happiness is the polar opposite of catching your dad watching holiday themed porn
She started howling at the moon. That was pretty much the deal breaker.
Why was there a 1000 piece puzzle covered in hot sauce being cooked in the microwave?
You should kill a bro for me and drag his carcass home so I can study him.
There was this blissful moment of peace and quiet... then you ran past our window with a lit firecracker in hand going, "SHIT. SHIT. SHIT!"
I need to start using my boobs for good instead of weed. Although really they're kind of the same thing
Clothes make me feel like a responsible adult and that's just not something I'm ready to handle.
Thank you for trusting your ovaries to me
I wasn't that gone.
Dude, you cried and said how sorry you were when we asked why you had the dip.
I was giving this fat lawyer a table dance and he asked me if I would be willing to play with his long, hard stick of the law. And you want me to stop drinking at work?
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