I just mixed tequila and nyquil in front of dad. hes making ambulance jokes but let me tell you its DELICIOUSSS
my little brother just asked me why i have handcuffs. How do I tell him that his sister likes being taken advantage of in the bedroom?
I feel I need to conquer him. He's six ft eight and 265lbs. Its like the mount Everest of sex.
found her sleeping in the closet. woke her up and she said she was camping.
He came inside me, looked me in the eye and said, "Happy Mother's Day"
We just for robbed for the second time. I believe the only thing I have left to my name is my $75 dildo
Haha crisis adverted. Just told my dad I need to bone this guy. Nbd. He totes understands
Dude just pulled his dick out and started stroking it and making s sound like cocking a shotgun....wtf was in those e pills
Wait, you seriously DON'T keep vodka in your backpack??!??!?
I'm terrified that I'm going to have a baby with a guy who posts snapchat stories while ignoring my texts
Do you remember telling our cab driver you were going to fuck a penguin?
Is there a classy way to tell him that to thank him for his service I would like to put his dick in my mouth?
"Happy Veterans Day! Now pull down your pants."
jusy threw up in the airport bathroom. I am no longer thankful for fireball.
I want you
Nvm, now I want someone who replies to my booty-call texts faster
It's like every time I'm baked I discover my fingers all over again.
Randomize
