Words i added to my t9 today: gnomes, facebook, and chlamydia.
Whoever said drinking more helps a hangover didn't drink 96% of a fifth of whiskey last night. This is absurd.
What?? I'm covered in blood at the hospital, I atleast deserve a pic of someones boobs
its preseason football. its like non alcoholic beer. who gives a fuck
My drunk neighbor is arguing with a goose in his yard. This was the highlight of my day.
I literally put my pussy on his sideburns, it was awkward
There's a lil minaj in everyone
I fucking, woke up on a couch with a towel as a blanket to someones lion king ringtone.
Would you be mad if I just used the argument "I'm allowed to say that, my best friend is a lesbian"?
Never. I'm proud to help you win arguments.
She's like the Oprah of therapy. AND YOU GET A STRAITJACKET. AND YOU GET A STRAITJACKET. WITH A PADDED ROOOOM
The last thing I remember about last night was guzzling white zinfandel out of the box and eating cheese. And I was thinking OH YOU FANCY HUHHH
Fuck me this girl I went home with has a cover on her remote control so there is no spills to ruin it. Imagine how many condoms she's going to make me wear
My boss followed me on Twitter. Excuse me while I delete 90% of my tweets
It is a bad day indeed when you learn that your boy toy looks better in your dresses than you do
Knowing how to carefully mix my vices has to be the #1 skill I've gotten from pharmacy school
I answered the booty call in my Trophy Wife cutoff and my ex-boyfriends sweatpants with a bottle of jager.
and how was that received?
Randomize
