he smells like the inside of heather mills' fake leg
I swear, if I find out you're lying, I'm going to put your name on one of those herpes watch websites and put the link up on every social networking site in existence.
guess you're going to miss out on a groin massage and a frosty vagina
I have fb friend requests from two random swedish brothers... Must have something to do with that hostel I stumbled into on mardi gras
We met on a dual walk of shame. It has to be love, we can't let that go to waste. I want to tell our children that story.
He doesn't know I'm infertile yet, that's when the sex gets good
I'm really tired of your booty call eating my fruity pebbles.
Your a horrible friend, i only tried to do the right thing by moving you off the floor.. that was not an invitation to puke all over my bed and attempt to use my dog to mop it up.
Well I talked to some Canadians today, and I'm keeping a vigilant watch for sharks, so I'm pretty booked up.
You went through my pantry and left one of everything in the box. One cracker. One cheesit. One piece of cereal. I really fucking hate you.
I'm going to be fiscally responsible and buy a handle.
I'm drunk from drinking bourbon out of a "cupcake sippy cup" at the Denny's bar. What the fuck happened to the goals I had?
I couldn't even tell you how many times I've said "wrong hole" today
Drank vodka clubs for 6 hours last night. Holy shit just realized that.
I'm going to use this quarantine time to improve my blowjob skills.
Randomize
