so i have my big date this weekend, and i was practicing giving head with a bottle in the shower. i stopped and looked at the botton of the bottle. it was PURE MOLD! if i die, dont tell the doctors how this happened....
You saying I have a drinkingg problem is like saying Superman has a flying problem.
Just promise me you won't ring in the new decade by clutching onto a toilet
I found the pot of gold last night, and it was full of bad decisions.
One date. That's all it took. I want to have his geunis babies in me. One date.
he told me my vagina was like a beautiful piece of salami
He asked if I wanted to "hang out"
A verb which here means "do lines off my dick"
It's the first day of summer. It's not a race it's a marathon. Pace yourself
there is a video of me from last night trying to light my breath on fire. that drunk.
There comes a point, as I lay on the floor of the work disabled toilets contemplating catching 10 minutes sleep between chunders, that I wonder if its really worth it
I JUST BROKE A NAIL MASTURBATING. WTF I could even enjoy my orgasm bc now I'm gonna have to spend $50 on my nails.
She's still here. My penis can feel it.
Dude, I think she left with some dude like an hour ago
FOUND HER. I swear this thing is like a metal-detector
i'm really sorry, but i'm just not sober enough to make good decisions.
Do you know who changed all my phone contacts into characters from Harry Potter?
He Who Must Not Be Named.
Fuck you.
he put a condom on for a handjob WTF
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