if you wake up with plaid pants on your floor in the morning, you made a bad decision.
i take joy in having bigger boobs than others
Their flight hasn't even left yet and the 'buy food to keep yourself alive' budget is gone on tequila.
You stole her bday cake and shared it with drunk strangers on the street.
I seem to remember you being very disappointed that drinking Michelob Ultra didn't give you magic powers.
Hey, no judgement here...this is the girl that threw up on a box of kittens at the magician's house
Just saw a homeless man taking a shower in someone's sprinkler system....
I just threw up trying to put pants on. This is obviously a sign to stay naked.
Moral of the story is go have sex with a foreigner and report back to me.
She just walked up to him and was like "you should fuck Angela" and it worked! She is the ultimate wingman
See, remember when you wanted to get an Ashley Madison account and I told you not to and you hated me? You. Are. Welcome.
Look I'm really high right now, and if I were to leave this house, it would be for the sole purpose of getting an ice cream sandwich. So can you please just do it.
Just got hit on via LinkedIn..do I capitalize on this opportunity/land a job or reply something sassy
My liver is going to reject life during Greek Week
How many liver transplants can a person have? Bc you may need a couple
Any chance he has an open marriage? That penis shouldn’t be wasted on one woman. It should be shared with all womankind, or at least me. I’m too good at sex to be deprived a penis that large
Randomize
