My only options right now are Herpes, Gay, or Vanilla.
Hows this for an invention: a toilet that weighs your poop
I sold 10 pepperonis for 5 dollars last night....i fucking love drunk people
My professor just gave everyone in the class extra credit... except for the kid wearing the Cubs hat
some random kid just walked into our apartment with two cases... I don't know who he is but I like him
I fed the cats at 7 am, made her eggs, gave her oral, and now I'm helping her clean and baking her brownies. Cosmos got nothing on me.
my dad just told me he found me on the kitchen floor saturday morning with a microwave dinner on top of me, fork still in hand. priceless
Second wave of rafting ended in a concussion. Don't worry though, the paramedic says it's still not considered a DUI.
Crumbling up chips, putting them in salsa, eating with spoon. New level of stoner fatassery. Its so genius/delicous i'm not even ashamed
just saw a sign in the bar that says "no more naked fridays". Where the fuck was I on these naked fridays?
I literally just rubbed my stomach and told my liver to "hang in there baby"
I think I need to see a chiropractor after giving that blow job
He was making a joke about signing my name on this piece of paper. He has a whole bucket filled with names on pieces of paper. I think thats how he keeps count.
How was your day?
Peaceful. I left the house to get paid and get fried chicken.
Officially hit an ultimate low today. I was so hung-over I threw up on the ground in front of the jousting display in the London tower. But on a positive note, Brits are very understanding when you vomit on their history.
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