my house keeper must think I'm a prostitute.
if you google earth my address you can see me getting out of my car. finally my moment of being famous
Plus she can make a mean sandwich! That's all I really need. Well that and foot jobs...
all we did was drink wine and talk about how people who dont have facebook dont exist.
I think I'd do Clint Eastwood.
...kinda gettin a major gay vibe from you right now.
That was a text you sent me last night.
You were sitting at the bus stop holding hands with some Polish girl you just met, who was just as drunk as you were, and you kept trying to light your Kit Kat and smoke it.
nothing like baby laughter to ruin a masturbation moment
I think I'm getting too used to throwing up in the reception trash can. It doesn't even phase me anymore
I was trying to sing daddy wasnt there from austin powers but apparently I was crying and and yelling jibberish...I get to into this shit
On campus. Grown men in women's sexy bee costumes. Complete with legwarmers. This cannot be real life.
He said I was cute and he handed me a stuffed bear from his car. I don't care that he was 80, I named it Hector.
My chin is breaking out a bit and feels all itchy and burny like I'm allergic to something. Are you using a new lotion on your balls?
But how will the next generation learn about life choices without a Jersery Shore?
He wouldn't shut up so I started sending him pictures of animal dicks
Nothing will ever be as awkward as looking my mother in the eye and talking to her while I have a dick inside me. Time for a lock on my door.
Randomize
