im sure we could have fun without alcohol but i just dont wanna chance it...
And you kept hanging up and calling back because you thought I wasn't greeting you properly.
its preseason football. its like non alcoholic beer. who gives a fuck
Just had the moment before I realised I'd packed you off in an ambulance last night after funnel-feeding you Monster and vodka. Your mom thinks I'm a dick doesn't she?
You grinded and hooked up with a middle aged tiger woods look-a-like with manboobs. Tequila isn't for you.
Scary truckers and hobos. These are the men I attract
Typing up notes at the bar and doing shots with the bartender until close on a Wednesday. This is what my second year of law school has become.
Only Tommy would bring a stripper pole to a bonfire
Nursing home in NJ just got busted for prostitution and drugs...dropping off my deposit tomorrow
I just jerked him off with one hand while holding my wine glass with the other and watching Congo. I feel like this was a preview to my married life...
my drug dealer is also my eyebrow lady. Two birds, one stone.
We woke up today with 24 donuts, a tie, two jugs of vodka that we traded an extra sandwich for, and a british boy
He tried to grab your ass, but he grabbed my hand cause I grabbed your ass first. I saved your ass..literally. Your welcome.
well true... there's not a real discreet way to masturbate in public
It's only awkward the first ten minutes you realize it's not your house.
Randomize
