Going to spend my cab money on more shots and just take the ambulance home
I had a talk with my mom about respecting myself and not acting like a whore so she will rip my nose ring out if she somehow sees that picture
I found a girl on our couch wearing lederhosen this mornig... I dont know if i should be impressed or ashamed
but why does your life always sound like the plot of a porn?
Breaking personal boundaries is my trademark
She refered to her bed as the "cockpit"....I understand that this morning.
i had to write a bad check to buy franzia last weekend. i have my priorities in line.
Remember that time we were in the handicap bathroom snorting Molly at the stripclub. That was a defining moment in our friendship
If I could drive and get you Starbucks I would... But that's probably not a good idea. On account of the drugs.
Try to make ecstasy cheese. Capitalize on the molly and greek yogurt trends. MARKETING
Dude she tried to bite my face off last night, literally. I have never actually felt like a piece of meat until that point in life...
Ever since we've gotten back together, it's like the ghosts of booty call's past have been hitting me up. Lol.
Would it be inappropriate to send a friend request to the sheriff that fingerprinted me last night???
So, I feel bad. I just told my husband I had sex with someone else while on a business trip. Today is his birthday. I'm kind of a dick.
Snorted a dorito chip for 1$. Cross that off the bucket list.
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