I just saw an old lady yelling at a dead pigeon for leaving the oven on.
Had a dream I was a monkey and smoked pot out of a bong made out of a tree
HOW DID U BEAT A GAY GUY IN GAY CHICKEN?
So the first 4 hours of my morning was equivalent to seeing under water. Things were starting to get better until I remember I drank mustard for free stuff and flossed my teeth with a strand of hair from a stranger in the bathroom.
That boy needs some memories to take back home with him
I feel like despite his sleaziness I could be friends with this man. he just sent me a picture of his dog's balls.
I apologized to him for my lack of boobs after he felt me up
As soon as the clock wound down to zero, she declared "HALF-TIME HEAD" and pulled down my pants. After the swallow, she said "BEER CHASER," got me a new one, and asked if she could make me a sandwich. Pretty sure she's lobbying hard for a ring.
Some days you ride the struggle bus. Other days, it gets a flat, the AC breaks, and you run over a bunny.
I made him laugh his dick is mine
You know more about his cock specs than his childhood. Proud of you
What started out as a one night stand ended in him texting me the next day, saying he thought he was gay.
He started me on Celexa. I think I feel like Bjork. Is that normal?
Like... my feet feel like little octopuses, and they want to swim to the next room.
I'm too pretty to be this sexually frustrated.
It's done, I'm done, goodbye veneer of class and dignity it was nice knowing you
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