Is it weird I updated my facebook status from my phone while I had explosive diarrhea in my boss's private bathroom?
That would be awkward if he commented on your status
So after the reception we snuck back into the church for drunken hook up. we passed out there and woke up in time for 6am mass still dressed from the wedding. spiritually trashy or classy?
I know i'm the slutty cousin, but be honest. have you ever got your nose ring caught on a guy's zipper?
Hahaha I asked him about her bjs and he said "I would not wish that on anyone"
...She was shooting whiskey using a turkey baster...i was horrified.
What was the name of the cook I had sex with at Famous Dave's?
I have got to stop assigning last names to girls I get numbers from based on what I think will remind me of them... Sarah Petrydish is not an acceptable memory trigger
Also, I am ligit concerned that I might compulsively start collecting vibrators like Pokemon.
I'm prostituting myself for tickets to Disney World. There's a contradiction there.
Got drunk in Atlantic City Flagged down some guy with two wrapped tampons like road flares for a cigarette.
Nothing says you made great Saturday night choices like someone's dick that you don't remember, poking you in the ass Sunday morning.
I thought my holiday spirit was gone this year until I got banged to Christmas music. It's back.
if anyone breaks out the olive oil & slip n slide, text me 911.
Ever try to swallow something and have it go up into your nose instead? Yeah, I just sneezed bacon.
i just realized i have only had sex on couches so far this year. i can't decide if that's impressive or trashy
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