i can't put facebook on my resume under hobbies.
You woke up in the middle of the night and told me we won the sweepstakes, the penis sweepstakes.
im so poor im using the bottom of my laptop to heat my food.
Whatever. I'm saving myself for my wedding night or a night with enough patron.
He kept trying to order 'sex on the tennis courts' for a drink last night
I just took a shit with a lightsaber in my hand. Dreams fulfilled.
We now only communicate via Xbox messages. Living together is so easy
The cop asked you after the breathalyzer what you think you blew and you very discreetly shouted "I'm pretty sure i blew Kyle on the way here "
Don't make emojis simulating eating me out
This day took a left turn at "This is your going away party, I got a bunch of blow."
Easy. Go to walmart, buy a bag of charcoal. everyone gets a present and it's cheap.
Just found the measuring tape in my bathroom. How drunk could I have possibly been on Saturday?!
It's not even 8:30a, wine glass is broken, there's sugar everywhere, and your mom just asked me what MILF means.
I left my Bacardi and dignity in your freezer. Will come get it later.
I just found a condom in my jolly ranchers bag. This is a good omen.
Randomize
