you know you made some mistakes when your last two boyfriends are both obsessed with women's curling...
im using the astroglide sample u sent me as a bookmark for the book im using to write my midterm paper. i need to get laid. bad.
I think I breastfed the cat at some point during the night, at least that's what my nipples are saying
I got an 8 ball and a free entrance pass to the strip club, if i dont get laid tonight I never will.
In the middle of fucking me, she said "Hold on, I need my Hulk hands."
I had to download the flashlight app so I could finish taking a dump when the power went out.
Apparently it's poor taste to ask for a break up blow job...in McDonald's. Also, that's not the best way to break the news either.
You were such a shitshow...I was just standing in the kitchen eating my toaster strudel and you came in, whispered "you didn't see anything" and led him to the couch
yolo... Doesn't that stand for 'shut the fuck up'?
I was just hoping for a dick worthy of his established age.
well i mean she can't stop a weed based friendship...its like a trying to stop a bomb or a really fast train...
Do you think if 10 year old us knew that we would be passing out in a McDonalds after a hefty night of drinking, and 23 McChickens, they'd change anything?
Just used an eyelash curler to open my beer since I didn't have a bottle opener. Things are starting to look up.
New life goal: fuck in the shopping cart
I'm sorry I keep drunk texting your boyfriend sports updates.
That's okay. He needs friends too.
Randomize
