maybe you should take the dick out of your mouth before you start talking.
i did. i'm using it as a microphone.
the girl next to me in class just threw up in a waterbottle during our exam.
I was pretty stoned. I thought I needed a seatbelt at the restaurant.
Awesome, the library of congress archived all tweets. Now my great great grandchildren can pinpoint the date they inherited alcoholism.
can you put a coffee maker in the dish washer? yo know what, nvm i want to be surprised
My rats are drinking wine. I am drinking with rats. God i am so alone.
A girl just told me she printed out my pictures and taped them on her wall. I have to stop sleeping with virgins.
I really just want to stuff him in my purse, take him home, feed him pudding or applesauce and brush his hair. That's not creepy, right?
I don't care who it's from we're getting blown. It's a 3 day weekend anything can happen
I have better things to do with my life than be faithful.
I must be the strongest person who ever managed to get knocked down by a pug.
so it turns out the huge bruises on my knees are from drunk bmxing and not getting railed from behind on the ground
and ill have you know that I only wiped out twice
Master Skywalker, there are too many of them. What am I going to do?
Hit on the one in the red shorts. The thirst is strong with this one.
The one time my sister did shrooms she thought she was thumbalina. I can't live my life that way
We moved the bed and she found my vibrator. The entire ride home was a montage of her singing "Are You Lonesome Tonight"
Randomize
