I can't get into him, he looks really young. I'd feel like I was blowing the Gerber baby.
Do you ever close your eyes when your having sex with your girlfriend and pretend she didn't get fat after high school?
She's 40ish and I couldn't wake her up with a stick of dynamite. My sheets are going to be covered in glitter lotion and smell like grape vodka and shattered dreams tomorrow.
Aren't divorce parties fun?
You and I have very different definitions of fun.
Go ahead. I tried to back up ur budhism story but she mite be catching on
Dammit. I hoped that would work. Just tell her I'm doing my pilgrmidge to Nepal or something.
You ordered 6 boxes of pizza and laughed in the pizza guys face when you didn't pay for any of them.
So I passed out with my boxers on in the hotel jacuzzi at 5am.. The manager who kicked me out was pretty cute so I left my name and number for her at the front desk. I'm giving it a 50/50 she calls.
Trick or treaters just rang our doorbell
Give them the moldy beer cans, we need to get rid of those
Dude you ate toast sprawled out on my kitchen floor and said "this is comfy". No more day drinking.
Woke up to my asscrack filled with melted Reese's Pieces. Halloween parties are so weird here man
Fingerblasting some girl on the deck tryna get her to fuck on a lifeboat
one of these days i'm gonna do a sparkly magical girl transformation into snoop dogg
I enjoy the level of friendship we have achieved until you ask me to determine what may or may not be gentile warts via iphone pic
She gave you a handy in the bar and you were surprised she was good with a dick?
Hahah good point
He got up in the middle of the show and returned with this massive ham shank, then offered me some by asking "wanna suckle on my hog." Should I be offended?
I'm actually glad the whole thing's over now. It's exhausting to fake a pregnancy.
Imagine not having to fake it.
Yeah, I should never have kids, probably.
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