look no pants
there's paper in my vomit.
I was working er so they smashed a vodka bottle over dan's head so they'd have an excuse to visit
I just peed on my pajamas. Its gonna be a long night. Don't forget the cookies.
Then they all walked away with the drinks I bought them, and the fat one slapped me in the face. I left and my car had been towed. Worst night ever.
Also, your vagina needs a time out and let your brain have a chance to make decisions.
Just did coke off of a cross necklace and am headed to the strip club. Happy Easter!
I mean you can't really blame him. He's named after whiskey and I don't get along with pants.
thats because you have standards... and i have a thing for guys that give me free drugs.
I miss college girls! You know how depressing it is to fuck 30 year olds? That's what failure feels like
theres 2 cans of open Campbell's soup on the counter and a note that says "guess which one is puke" ... want lunch?
It's like an adderall Houdini. Right when you think you have a deal he disappears
She's not answering my calls
Well it sounds like you really fucked up
WHO HOLDS A GRUDGE OVER MEMES
it was awkward when he was taking off my clothes and i had to help him undo my fanny pack
So I wake up to my ex girlfriends underwear hanging from the ceiling fan and the only thing i can think of is "what time is the game"
Randomize
