News Flash: Turtles are cuter than Jesus.
Congrats on damning at least 10 generations of your offspring to hell with just one text message. Way to start your morning off right.
I puked in the AC vent. thing are gonna get ugly come summertime.
ok so I'm texting you now like I promised instead of drunktexting aaron and telling him how badly I want his cock tonight. aren't you proud?
this is Aaron, hi
well what is some mechanical horse racing with out blow involved
im standing in line right now while the 711 manager calls other locations to see if they have the john cena collectors slurpee cup in stock...yep i need to get laid
Its a good night to get drunk in my onesie.
Thoughts of banging the girl who just opened my beer with her teeth?
High enough to ask the woman at best buy if she ever feels like she's swimming. and telling the man outside that he smells like happy juice.
I climbed through his window to find him already with another booty call. This wouldn't have happened if I could upgrade from my 7th grade scooter to a real car.
…If I were you I wouldn't use that as part of your argument to your dad for a car
The only word that describes how much hair I shaved off of my ass is "considerable".
I can't believe you're forcing me to handle this hangover sober
I'm not in bed, I'm driving and puking at the same time.... first for everything
Fun. You missed it. Michael broke a door with his erection.
No no no, I want to share him with you. Think of it as me sharing a piece of delicious pie with you. He was THAT GOOD.
Lets just say the phase, What a dick, has a whole new meaning at the urinals.
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