You just made me feel so damn special
Cute you're picking friends over dick. I feel like this is the trailer for a lifetime movie.
So one buddy got tackled at the urinals by national guard members and was arrested. Another had sex in a port o potty with possibly the drunkest girl I've ever encountered. The rest of us blacked out and won a few bets. So yes, the derby did meet our expectations.
my mom just found my flavored lube in the basement. she gave me a lecture about how "giving head is degrading" omg i feel sooooo bad for my dad
When the cops came you just told them you'd go to your time out corner.
well at least you didnt have sex with him. i feel like a proud mother. you always have sex with them.
every time fb tells me a dude i fucked is now friends with another dude ive fucked, i die a little inside. thats way more honesty than im comfortable with.
Why was there a 1000 piece puzzle covered in hot sauce being cooked in the microwave?
Woke up naked wearing mismatched earrings. Didn't even make it to the bar.
For graduation he gave me roses, a giraffe necklace, and a butt plug. I think this might be my one shot at true love
He didn't get how "starting a flash flood in my thunderhole" was a sexy euphemism. Deal breaker.
I HAVE A FLAME THROWER. COME SEE IT. IT’S SAFE AND WORKS.
Why did u text me "I want to get drunk and go to pizza hut tomorrow. don't let me forget." at 3am??
That text was pretty fucking self-explanatory, man.
I figured it out! There's blood on the kitchen floor because I fell into the dishwasher. And there's a face dent. And it doesn't work.
Yea.....I saw that happen.
you have 10 seconds to explain why the toilet is full of bread or its ALL GOING ON YOUR BED.
Randomize
