the "happy anniversary" cake for my mom and dad is about to turn into the "yeah, that's a hickey, welcome back from italy" cake.
its sad that the first thing i assume is that ur trying to indirectly tell me you fucked on a breakfast table
by asking you if you bought one for the apartment?
you left a giant bottle of vodka in my room from last night. does this serve as a parting gift or hush money?
Dude, you were so drunk last night that when we went into subway, you forgot the word for bread.
Just fucked my roommate on the first night of our 12 month lease. 2010 will be awkward.
I hope this adventure ends at a hospital
I've watched enough of my roommate's imported Japanese satellite to know when the exchange students are calling me a whore.
We got kicked out of the ice rink last night for drinking and checking strangers... but they let us keep the beer
My going away gift was all of them dancing around with solo cups on their dick and balls...these are my friends
It was like getting a handjob from a frost giant
This chick had a microhand. Fucking, like, jerking off a baby carrot would make it look like corn.
I knew this night was headed for bad when I was drinking cherry bombs out of a sippy cup in the shower
Just did. I played that shit out so casual I deserve an Oscar. Or am Emmy, or whatever the fuck you get for acting like a boss
Uhh I just had to break up with a guy who I didn't even know I was dating...
She's sent me the same nudes using the same gestures and positions... It's like she has a template for her sluty-ness
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