I didn't talk to you tonight because I've decided you look like a man.
this coming from the guy that still thinks "pulling out" is a good form of birth control? just walk away
Everything was going good until she wanted to update her status...You forgot to close pterodactyl porn from this morning. Clothes went back on.
his recent searches consisted of "World record for not bathing" and "Miley Cyrus vs Taylor Swift". Not even i am that desperate.
Xanax and allergy medicine look a lot alike when you spill them on the floor. Just saying that I still have allergies but I'm unsure if I still have legs
Every once in a while you'd chuckle to yourself, and when I asked you what's so funny u replied "sometimes my toes tickle eachother"
Also, I think I'm too drunk to be at the gym right now. But how sober do you need to be for IM volleyball?
The last time I saw you, you were rolling around on the ground at the bar.....
.....well it was bound to be an interesting night since I was chasing my pulls with pulls....
This weekend has taught me that sometimes, being buried under a mattress is the safest place in the room.
My life has come to reading articles about dating an ex heroin addict. I'm doing well.
The guy that stalks me just looked out his window and saw me in his neighbor's hot tub. Get your shit ready the fraternity wars are starting.
You know you're drunk when you're apologizing for your asshole at 4am to the toilet. Eat shit habanero bbq sauce, you've ruined my life.
Believe me honey Imma fuck the discount out of at least one plastic surgeon in my life
She started snoring post sex, so I drunkenly walked 8 miles at 4am to go fishing. Please come pick me up
Just keep me informed about your plans. That way i can figure out places to go and if i need to shave my balls
Randomize
