Why do I fail so hard at ironing, when I'm a woman and i should be amazing at it?
because god found you far too good at oral sex and had to make all things even?
Just heard "Kiss Me Though the Phone" for the first time. Amazed how it took Soulja Boy two songs to become a shitter version of Ja Rule.
the line for where the wild things are looks like radiohead had sex with an urban outfitters
I lost my virginity in that bed. You just layed in history.
today he pulled me aside to show me a lawn mower that he drew above his pubes. I saw his pubes in all their glory. Right there. In spanish class. Hola.
I pulled out and her Nuva ring was around my dick... It was like I won a carnival game for adults... I asked her where my big stuffed bear was
I just had my first non-cocaine-induced nosebleed for the first time in 2 years. This calls for a celebration.
I can't come tonight. Someone took a shit in the dressing room. A.) Clean it up or B.) Kill myself. Text back with your answer.
Shit ive learned: when going out to a party, always wear a bathing suit underneath just in case theres a pool with a roof next to it
I didn't think four grown drunk men could cuddle on a twin size bed, but we found a way.
some how during sex we caught an ENTIRE pillow on fire. A WHOLE PILLOW.
I'm like 'WOMAN, YOU'RE 62, RESHEATH THOSE COUGAR CLAWS.'
he really is such a sweet guy. it’s a shame i have to break his heart.
I'm craving your dick and a microwave pizza
On the good side I got hit on by a cute college guy. But the bad side was having sex in a frat house for first time in 9 years
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